NO MOM

stilesstillnski:

i literally say fuck so often i’m starting to think we need a new word that’s more offensive than fuck

(via gettingahealthybody-deactivated)

Walking past my mirror

• Me: *Lifts up shirt to see if abs have formed* Nope.
• Me: *Turns to side* Nope.
• Me: *Turns to other side* No-
• Me: *Catches specific light angle* Ah, there we go, there's that slight line.

• Regular old phones : (drops on concrete at 50 miles per hour ) *slightly cracks*
• Android : (drops on concrete floor) *slightly cracks)
• iPhones: (drops on carpet floor) *shatters , self destructs , explodes , falls into another dimension , becomes pregnant , turns into a cow

what beautiful weather outside im gonna close the curtains

(via acid-child-deactivated20140428)

ifyoucarryonthisway:

i hate when girls use those shitty insults like “you cant spell cunt without u (:” ok well theres a lot of things you cant spell without u 

you cant spell soup without u what does that mean am i soup

(Source: averagefairy, via aristitty)

googlevideos:

sex is a lot like a hot bath

once you get your balls in the worst part’s over and you can get your torso and arms and stuff in

i’ve never had sex

(Source: aidn, via aristitty)

littletrenchcoatangel:

1-enoch:

last night i was absentmindedly toying with something on the kitchen counter while i was on the computer and when i looked down i realized it was a cockroach. i was petting it. i was petting a cockroach and the cockroach was sitting there probably really enjoying it. we had a moment. you know that thing of when two straight guys accidentally do something gay and then they freak out when they realize whats happening well it was exactly like that

(via aristitty)

tedthejinglebellhop:

fun fact one time robert pattinson was supposed to get punk’d at the bar where my cousin works and they got all the employees in on it and everything but when it came time to punk him his friends couldn’t get him to leave his house and that’s when I knew I loved robert pattinson

(via aristitty)